DISCLAIMER: This is a long read, feel free to bookmark it and come back to read it in parts if you’d like; no hard feelings!

Waddup!

Hello there guys, gals, and non-binary pals; I hope you’re doing well today! Now, I know how that title might sound, but I promise it’s not the self-hating deprecation that it appears to be on the surface. I’ve been playing and DMing various systems since I was 16, and I am going to be 33 on the 14th; you do the math, I refuse to do it even under threat of death. During this time I’ve run (without exaggeration) hundreds of games, for a multitude of systems including D&D (3.5e, 5e), Pathfinder (1e), Call of Cthulhu (4th-7th ed.), Mutants and Masterminds (3e-4e), and World/Chronicles of Darkness (Promethean, Hunter, Vampire). Now you may be thinking “Oh, I see, this isn’t self-deprecating; it’s self-serving”, but I swear I’m going somewhere with this.

During all that time as both a player and a DM, I’ve learned a lot: tips and tricks that have streamlined session play, worldbuilding strategies, etc.! But I also picked up some nasty habits, done things I regret; poorly designed things that disrespected the most valuable and finite resource a person could possibly give; their time. Thankfully, the worst things are from being a hormonal teenager so self-conscious that any challenge towards my rulings were a comment on my abilities as a DM. But I’ve made other mistakes well into adulthood that ruined my players experiences.

I firmly believe that as an old (eugh) head within the TTRPG community, it’s my responsibility to contribute to the positive growth of the hobby and ensure that it all flourishes and thrives, not withers and dies. So I want to share with you all some tips and tricks, do’s and dont’s, useful tools and how to avoid being a tool. Some of this will seem like common sense, but it’s better to have said it than to regret it.

Communication

This is one of the aforementioned “obvious ones”. However, I feel it needs to be expounded upon, what with the rise of VTTs (virtual tabletops, like Roll 20) and increase in text based games. Everybody knows what communication is, but not everybody knows how to effectively communicate. There are obvious dont’s, like “don’t yell at your players” and “don’t pick any of your players up by the leg and wield them in a fashion akin to a medieval flail in order to punish the rest of their party for their insolent hubris in challenging you”; you know, common incidents. But some people don’t think things like contextual tone in text, use of unnecessary punctuation and shorthand, even emoji usage.

I know that sounds odd, and you may be thinking “why the heck would my use (or lack thereof) of punctuation or emojis matter?”, and I’m so glad to hear you ask that, imagined reader used as a literary vehicle to further this narrative! 

There is no native tone to text, the message “I hate you” can carry a slew of different meanings based on factors we simply cannot discern without what I call “tonal text indicators”. “I hate you” feels a bit ambiguous, whereas “I hate you.” seems final, “I hate you!” seems aggressive, “I hate you?” comes off as inquisitive or confused, “I hate you xD” or “I hate you lmao” comes off as a playful response to a friend. The tonal text trifecta of punctuation, emoji use, and shorthand can change the entire tone of the conveyed message which oftentimes, in turn, changes the type of response you receive from those you’re communicating with.

Cold, Hard, Science Baby!

It’s important to consider the things you say before you send them and think about if there’s any way your message could be misconstrued. Don’t be afraid to include a clarification like “I’m not upset at all” or “I don’t mean anything negative by that”; there are even studies that have been conducted to prove this! Kruger, et. al states in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology:

“Without the benefit of paralinguistic cues such as gesture, emphasis, and intonation, it can be difficult to convey emotion and tone over electronic mail (e-mail). Five experiments suggest that this limitation is often underappreciated, such that people tend to believe that they can communicate over e-mail more effectively than they actually can. Studies 4 and 5 further suggest that this overconfidence is born of egocentrism, the inherent difficulty of detaching oneself from one’s own perspective when evaluating the perspective of someone else. Because e-mail communicators “hear” a statement differently depending on whether they intend to be, say, sarcastic or funny, it can be difficult to appreciate that their electronic audience may not. “ 

Additionally, a study out of Tilburg University found that while tonal text indicators (called “moderators” in their study) are not necessary for people close and/or familiar with each other, they were indeed helpful in the scenarios where the receiver/sender were not familiar or minimally familiar with each other. Even more appropriate for our topic here (think Looking For Group/Player settings), is the SIP Theory (Social Information Processing). SIP posits that within CMC (computer mediated communication), a person’s highly motivated to build positive relationships within the initial encounter (like a first session or group/playerfinders), and as such they must compensate for the lack of non-verbal cues through the use of “enrichment”. This includes things such as emoticons/emojis and shorthand like “lol” in order to successfully convey their intended tone and avoid misinterpretations leading to group in-fighting.

This One Is For You Too, Players!

That being said, the other side of the conversation (the recipient) has an equally important responsibility. In a collection of personal journals by the Roman General Marcus Aurelius called Meditation, he writes:

“Begin the morning by saying to yourself, I shall meet with the busybody, the ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial. All these things happen to them by reason of their ignorance of what is good and evil.”

This can essentially be boiled down to “always assume ignorance over malice, until proven otherwise”, and by taking this message to heart I have cut off an innumerous amount of arguments before they start solely by asking for clarification and realizing the impending fight would’ve been over a misunderstanding. So if somebody sends you a message that rubs you the wrong way, don’t be afraid to ask them “Hey, what do you mean by that?”. Maybe they really did mean it in a way that ruffles your feathers, or maybe they really didn’t mean it that way. Treat the mistakes of others in the same way you’d want your own mistakes to be treated.

Honesty and Appropriate Transparency

Ok, the honesty part seems pretty self explanatory, but what do I mean by “appropriate transparency”? Well I’ll tell you, and I appreciate you coming to this section Dave the imagined reader used as a literary vehicle to further this narrative! Transparency is important in nearly all avenues of life except for clothing. But like clothing, the level of transparency needs to be appropriate for the situation and those involved in it; and that’s where honesty tags in for a hurricanrana from the top turnbuckle.

You don’t have to tell your players “hey, this boss battle is going to have a big reveal where you find out the boss is your 3rd cousin’s barber’s sister’s emotional support Atari back for revenge over the NES”, but there are steps you can take before you even get to that point in order to ensure you’re not poking an old wound held by a player at your table.

Safety tools that have been developed by the community to aid in exactly this, as the table should never be a place real dread. I’ll list some tools I use (or recommend using), but I highly recommend you take a look at a wonderful article Safety First by merlinthevet (shout-out to Merlin for his permission to reference and link here)! If you want to read anymore then be sure to check out Merlin’s article!

The Traffic Light System

The Traffic Light System refers to a method of establishing non-limits, soft limits, and hard limits. This is a system which can be used to easily and promptly establish what a player is and isn’t alright with in regards to content within the game from a personal or emotional level, not mechanical.

Non-Limits

Non-limit is something that the DM or a player has no issues with (common ones being violence, organized crime, religion, etc.) either because it doesn’t bother them in general or because it doesn’t bother them within the fantasy context; this can be equated to a green light. There isn’t really much to say about this one to be honest, it’s just “yeah I’m cool”.

Soft Limits

Soft limits are things that a person is either unsure about, or their comfort with it varies on a case-by-case basis (either from a scenario perspective or “day of session” perspective). Some soft-limits I’ve seen in my time include crimes against children, abuse of women, and persecution on nearly any grounds. The deciding factor between whether these tend to be soft limits or hard limits is almost entirely presentation dependent.

Your players walk into a slaver’s den and see people of all ages, races, and genders either chained and shackled or made to serve. This is horrible, despicable, and exactly the message that the DM is attempting to convey. You don’t need to detail  the things that are done to those poor people, your players can draw their own conclusions because most of the time the end result will be the same: these people suck and need to meet justice.

Situations like that tend to lean in the positive side of soft-limits, and even still I make sure to warn players in a diegetic way that a potential yellow light is upcoming (like an NPC informing them that they will be raiding the den in 3 days time, then doing the raid next session so people have time to prepare and determine if they’re up to it or not); if you’re unsure, just ask! Soft limits can be compared to a yellow light.

Hard Limits

Hard limits are a red light, a “nuh-uh, no way, absolutely not” scenario. Most of the time, these are topics that no DM I know would ever bring up (detailed SA, detailed torture scenes, etc.). It is important to remember that a red light/hard limit is not a challenge to change anybody’s mind! It is a request to respect the mental health and wellbeing of somebody at your table. 

Pause Button [Red Flag Variant]

Pause Button is similar to the Red Flag method mentioned in Merlin’s article, but a bit more attention grabbing. At a player of mine’s old tables, they had a programmable “That Was Easy” button that they changed to the sound of tires screeching to a halt. Another, sometimes more accessible option, is to have some sort of music or background sounds playing while using something that anybody can pause (YouTube Together on Discord, a literal remote at a real world table, etc.) and if they need the scene to halt, then they pause the music.

If music has to be paused for other reasons, we’ll say something like “Hold on, gotta do something quick” and then pause the music, so as to not trigger a panic response in anybody. People will use the Pause Button in circumstances where they’re uncomfortable so as to indicate their desire to move past the scene; if possible, try and use a medium that doesn’t indicate who paused what, that way the person is completely anonymous!

The 3 Checks (Check-in, Check-up, Checkout)

No, this is not the setup to a bad joke about people from the Czech Republic (love y’all <3), but is instead a periodic event that should occur at whatever intervals make sense for your table.

Check-In

Check-in refers to the act of (duh) checking in with your players and seeing how they’re doing. Are they having fun? How are they liking the world that you’re all building together? Do you feel seen and heard as a player at this table? Are you feeling useful and/or fulfilled with the role your character has taken and the level of attention given to them? Would you say you feel your time and agency are being respected?

These and more are all important questions to ask, as they cover a range of topics that affect players more often than people realize, as those experiencing it are often too nervous or scared to bring it up themselves. Being prompted in a warm and friendly tone can make somebody feel comfortable enough to open up and discuss issues that may very well be the difference between them continuing to play or your party getting smaller.

Check-Up

Check-up is the act of convening with your players after particularly difficult or emotionally challenging moments within the story to ensure everybody is ok and has the time they need to process the events. I know that might sound wild on the surface, needing time to process an imaginary event with fake people and fantastical traipsing. But when you get really and truly emotionally engaged with something, anything narratively impactful hits on a personal level, and not only is that ok; it’s what we strive for as DMs. Not to make our players sad or upset, but to make them feel something memorable.

Check-Out

Check-Out is the act of doing special check-ins with players who seem to be losing interest or growing distant. Sometimes there’s issues they don’t feel comfortable bringing up in a group setting, and don’t know how you’ll react upon hearing about said issues. By bringing it up with an open-mind and understanding heart, you may keep a player at your table who was contemplating leaving, or “checking out”. But sometimes, they’re not feeling it anymore; not the fault of anybody, it just doesn’t hit the same. But telling your group that you don’t wanna play anymore is terrifying at times! So by opening the door to that conversation, you can give them an out that they need (and deserve), and sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to let something go; especially when that something is a sentient human being who just doesn’t wanna play anymore.

All of this requires a little bit more effort, but as DMs it’s our responsibility to ensure the safety and wellbeing of all those at our table; so why not try them? Now that being said, if you’re at a table with people you’ve been playing with for years, who all know each other super well and aren’t afraid to speak up, then it’s ok to not use these! If your group isn’t interested in using these, it’s ok to not use these! These are not mandatory guidelines, they’re tools for those who want or need them.

Keeping Agency While Empowering Agency

Admittedly, this one is going to be very anecdotal, but then again this is a perspective piece on TTRPG conduct and play, not a scientific manuscript being prepared for journal publication. One of the oldest debates in the TTRPG community that I don’t see discussed as much anymore despite it still being just as relevant as ever, is Player Agency vs. DM Agency. What do I mean by agency? 

Agency (in this context) refers to a feeling of power and control (in a non-egotistical way) over your life and choices; in this case, the life and choices of your character. The DM also has agency, however, as they are a living breathing human at the table like anybody else, and as a standard they (in my opinion, at least) do the most work out of anybody in the session. But what happens when the DM’s agency and the Player’s agency clash? How do you stand your ground while still being open to others and working towards a mutually beneficial solution? Glad to see you’re still following along Dave, that’s a fantastic question I’d love to answer!

As a general standard, if you can’t find a perfect equilibrium point where everybody is happy, then choose the option that upsets the least amount of people. This is far from ideal, but sometimes it’s the only option. That being said, more often than not there are many avenues to explore before we reach that point; so let’s explore them!

Allocating Agency

First off, the cornerstones of all interpersonal table interactions (and arguably life itself) is communication, honesty, and respect. The first step should always be an honest and respectful conversation between the parties involved (and a mediator if it feels necessary, sometimes you’re so angry that you need outside clarity to reel you in!) to discuss where you feel boundaries are being pushed too much. This is a conversation that can be brought up during a Check-In time like mentioned above, but can also be a 1-on-1 or impromptu conversation; don’t let the negativity pool up inside you, let it out or else  it will drown you.

Sometimes however, issues are deeply ingrained or emotions run really high. People are shouting, names are being called, faces are being gotten into, and you can’t help but wonder how long until fists fly. These scenarios, in all honesty, are above a DMs paygrade, but you may find yourselves there one day. If this happens, my advice to you is to immediately call off the session, separate the parties involved (bonus points if there are other rational parties around that can help keep people separated), get them calmer then get them out.

Behaviour like this is uncalled for, disrespectful to all others at the table (virtual or otherwise) and is not conduct befitting a mature adult (some leniency given if your players are literally children, of course). The tough part is working out the truth of the matter and deciding whether or not it can be fixed, or if you have to cut ties (at least from the table). Sometimes, not every party involved is truly at fault, and those situations are often equally bad (or worse) for different reasons.

Personal Anecdote

Story time! I was running an in-person game one time (a 3-shot, we were on the second session) with random players from the shop. They all seemed nice and chill at first, there were 2 young men and a young woman, but one of the dudes gave…weird vibes. We weren’t sure if maybe there was some neurodivergence involved, and we didn’t want to judge somebody off of vibes when they could just have anything from social anxiety to an Autism Spectrum Disorder, and going out of your comfort zone in that way should be encouraged! But in the first session, he started getting creepy with the girl’s character (also a girl) and when I looked at her she seemed uncomfortable.

I ended the session early, talked to her about it and offered to remove him, and she said it was fine. The next session, however, it escalated. While playing, she jumped back from her chair and slapped him square across the face. What we came to call The Slap Heard ‘Round The World was the result of the other player grabbing her leg under the table around her inner thigh. He admitted it, said he didn’t mean to (brushing against a leg is an accident, squeezing somebody’s inner thigh is not an accident), and he was banned for life.

She proceeded to apologize profusely for “ruining the game”, we refused this apology and assured her she never has to apologize for protecting herself. By the end of the session, we had her smiling and laughing again, because that’s what a table does; they stand up for each other, support each other, and protect each other.

Introspection, Metacognition, and The Power of Apology

Almost done folks! So introspection and the power of apology are self-explanatory, but metacognition is a fancy shmancy psychology term, so what does it mean? Metacognition is a hallmark of humanity and sentience as a whole, it is effectively the ability to “think about thinking”, the ability to recognize, regulate, and monitor cognitive processes for the sake of bettering oneself. All-in-all, if you’ve ever thought about a specific incident with honest consideration, something like “man, why did I say that the other day? That was rude of me, I need to apologize” then congratulations! You’ve practiced metacognition.

Now I know what you may be thinking, “Tanis, that sounds an awful lot like introspection with a fancy title, like an executive producer but science”, and that’s an understandable parallel to draw, thank you Dave. Introspection is the broader analysis of the self and One’s behavior, whereas metacognition is more focused and specialized. Reflecting on what you did yesterday is metacognition, reflecting on how that behavior has become a trend which is negatively impacting your life and needs to be adjusted is introspection; make sense? I hope so, because I can’t see/hear your answer until after this is posted, and I feel it’s a bit too late at that point.

Introspection

Introspection is primarily a tool (in this instance) used to analyze your performance as a DM (or a player!). Gauge your player’s interest in the story, see how they reacted to certain scenarios, how they felt about particular interactions, effectively trying to see where your game’s strengths and weaknesses lie. This is (not to beat a dead terrasque) another great use for the Check-In meetings between your tablemates.

Your players can let you know what they’re enjoying so you can do more of it, what they’re not really liking so that you can tweak it, and what they just cannot stand so that you can remove it. As a DM, sometimes we really like a particular mechanic or gimmick that we’ve included into our game(s), but if it’s actively detracting from player experience, it’s important that we practice honest introspection and remember that this game is a group activity; not a “me featuring thee” activity.

Metacognition

Metacognition is a tool best used (in this instance) to examine your interpersonal reactions with your players, your reactions to things your players do in games (interrupting you, steamrolling your bosses, being late with no communication when possible, always foreseeing plothook reveals, etc.), and analyze your feelings about these things and whether or not you’re truly valid in your frustration or just rerouting emotional distress from one instance into the outlet of another. Player’s interrupting you during narratives and descriptions is a valid (with consideration for valid in-the-moment interventions) annoyance to have! It’s disrespectful to both you and the time you put into prep. But should you yell at them? Should you punish their character? Or should you have a calm conversation (calmversation, if you will) with them about how it bothers you, and ask them not to do so? My vote is on the latter.

But if we don’t have the time to think and process through our emotions, even if we’re in the right for feeling that way, we may underregulate that feeling in the moment and go too far. On the other side of things, if you’re upset that your players keep steamrolling your bosses, metacognition can be used to help us realize that it’s unfair of us to get frustrated at the players for outplaying us. If it’s a continuing experience, then it may be time for us to analyze our boss building tactics moving forward. Metacognition is only possible if you’re honest and transparent, because no matter how hard you try you can never truly lie to yourself, because deep down you’ll always know the truth; and that doesn’t help you grow to be the wonderful person you can be. 

The Power of Apologies

Apologies are hard. It requires you to become vulnerable, and take the embarrassing position that you were, in fact, in the wrong. But an apology is one of the most powerful forces known to mankind. Honest, genuine, earnest remorse can fix a lot more than people think. A lot of times, when friends are close and have a fight, the friend who is wronged doesn’t want to end the relationship; they want validation that you recognize they were hurt by your actions, and that you regret doing so. We all have different reasons why apologies are difficult, but it’s important to remember that sometimes the best things worth doing are the things that make you work for it.

But through the use of metacognition, introspection, honesty, and transparency, you can address it, conquer it, and overcome it. I struggle with admitting I’m wrong too, and I had to confront why that was. Is it egotism? Is it stubbornness? Willful ignorance? No. For me, it was fear. I was scared that by admitting I was wrong, I would come off as less credible, and one day my credibility would get so low that my friends wouldn’t need me anymore and I’d be left alone.

I realized this, I spoke to my friends about it, they laughed over the crazy idea that they love me for what I can offer and not for who I am in my heart, and the healing I felt was incredible. I’m not perfect nor “cured”, I still have moments where I dig in my heels and end up looking foolish, but nobody is asking for perfection; they just want progress.

Closing Statements

At the end of the day, this is a game; an experience meant to be shared with others, enjoyed with friends, conquered with allies. It shouldn’t be a source of anxiety, fear, depression, anger, or any other form of negativity; it’s antithetical to the very concept of TTRPGs. Sometimes we may feel this way, and it’s important to recognize that it may not have been intentional and to talk it out. But it’s also important to know your worth and never let yourself be devalued so much that they think they can control you.

Never be afraid to step away from your group if it’s not healthy for you, there is an abundance of tables that I’m sure would love to have you. There are strategies all around, there are people like me willing to help and teach (plenty of which are infinitesimally smarter and more experienced than I am), tools out there to make things easier (keep an eye out for a future article from me 😉 ); there are almost always options.

All of these strategies I’ve shared, tips I’ve given, wisdom I’ve dug outta my brain with a pair of pretend-tongs from a kid’s playset, they’re all methods that may or may not work for you, but they’re methods that work nonetheless. Use them, don’t use them, be inspired by them to create your own, do whatever you want so long as your table is having fun! Just remember that you and you alone have the power to grow, to improve, to thrive and flourish; to be better than me (even you, Dave).